Gold Bars

An April Fool’s Guide to (Not) Investing in Gold

A Comprehensive Guide to (Not) Investing in Gold

Gold prices have soared to record heights, thanks to robust buying from central banks and investors from the East. Yet, there remains a peculiar standoff as many Western investors remain on the sidelines — armed with a litany of justifications to avoid the joys of gold ownership.

As a “gold guy,” you would expect me to provide some clever combination of facts and persuasion to move this group off the sidelines into the arms of Hard Assets Alliance. Instead, as a celebration of April Fool’s Day, I hereby applaud this lack of action by validating and reinforcing the rationales to bypass this “archaic” asset class:

1. Safety Skepticism: “I don’t like safety.” A motto for the daring and audacious investor who laughs in the face of diversification. Why seek refuge in gold’s safe harbor when you thrive on the adrenaline rush of market volatility? Insurance policies? Those are for sissies.

2. The Oracle: Warren Buffet, the legendary Oracle of Omaha, derides gold as a “barbaric relic.” Sure, he once invested a cool billion in silver, and has bought gold mining stocks before, but let’s not split hairs over precious metals – silver is no gold, and Buffett’s brief foray does not a gold rush make.

3. The Barbie Effect: In a climactic fusion of pop culture and precious metals, Margot Robbie, the star of the Barbie movie, donned a gold dress at last month’s Oscars. Frankly, it clashes with the modern investor’s chic, monochromatic wardrobe.

4. The Crypto Coaster Thrill Ride: With digital currencies offering rollercoaster rides that can turn paupers into princes overnight (and vice versa), gold’s steady and reliable nature seems rather…dull. Who needs stability when you can live on the edge?

5. Let’s Not Get Physical: Unlike stocks, bonds, or digital currencies, gold requires physical storage. Why bother with secure vaults when your other investments happily exist in the ethereal realm of the cloud?

6. The Social Media Sentiment: If it’s not trending on X (Twitter), does it even exist? Gold’s low social media profile makes it an easy investment to overlook. After all, when was the last time #Gold went viral?

7. Too Expensive: I am not going to buy gold at its record high, said Emperor Augustus in Rome circa 30 BC when gold was worth a fraction of a penny in today’s dollars.

There you have it, dear investors, a gamut of excuses as rich as the hue of gold itself. Continue to shun gold for these reasons or any others you hold dear. After all, who really needs a timeless symbol of wealth and protection against economic turbulence?

Ever in jest and camaraderie,
Steven Feldman
CEO, Hard Assets Alliance


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